Let’s Make Our Best President Ever Our Forever President
Making America Great Again and Again Forever and Ever, Ad Nauseum
By Anonymous
How lucky we are that our best president ever, the greatest of all possible presidents, can now remain president forever!
We have the technology. Billions of tech bro dollars are flowing into the scientific investigation of life-span extension. Some are planning to freeze their brains cryogenically until the software code for everlasting life is cracked. (link here)
It’s a matter, we’re told, of time.
Critically, our proud tech titans are connected at the hip to a decrepit, demented, but still somehow unbowed president who’s (literally) pulling out all stops to make America great again. He will do whatever it takes—leave no stone unturned, no trick untried, no vault unraided—to accomplish his mission.
If that means destroying our democracy, so be it.
It’s a small price to pay for multiplying the power of a magnificent president who—in his own mind at least, and which other mind matters?—is the best president ever.
As he himself has repeatedly stated—a fact which, speaking tautologically, makes the statement factual—our peerless president has accomplished more in his first 80 days than all of his predecessors in all their years put together. That includes Washington, Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, and Lincoln—each one of whose undeserving profiles is chiseled prematurely on the face of Mount Rushmore. He outclasses McKinley too—a perfect role model whose tariffs and territorial expansion etc. didn’t go far enough. Maximum greatness awaits.
To this auspicious end, we have the chance to ensure that our best president ever is also the last president we’ll ever need.
Of course a third term is possible. What’s to stop us? Who? But a third term is a paltry ambition. We can go bigger. We can go Huge. We can go truly BIG.
He can be president forever!
Here’s where the critical contributions of our billionaire bros come in. First they complete the purchase of our political parties. Then they buy up each and every remaining election: primaries, mid-terms, generals, Congress, state and local… Whatever. Bring on Citizens United! Bring on Project 2025! Bring on the plummeting services, the steepening tax cuts, the stupefyingly staggering deficits. Multiply them by a very big number.
Get rid of good government altogether.
Clear out the underbrush, the checks and balances, the guardrails, the protections, the antibodies, the nagging uncertainties of democracy. Time for a clean slate, a new start. Time for perfect opacity and perfect efficiency. Nobody else needs to see what’s inside the black box of the magnificent seamless machine, just like the apes in the opening scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
No need to protest the rigging of elections when we’ve rigged them ourselves to make winning inevitable! The results will be beautiful. The people will love it.
Our infinitely flush friends can then finalize the takeover of justice. In exchange, they get everything they want and more, while our enemies get the strong arm of what remains of the law. Successful nations like Russia, Venezuela, Hungary and the like have used these tools to great national glory.
All the people come running.
Next, committed as they are to making America great again forever, they can redirect a small slice of the funds they’re investing in their own lifespan extension to preserving the big beautiful brain of our best president ever.
(For those who wish to make their charitable contributions anonymous, we have established a confidential meme coin vehicle for this purpose. Please download this app and text this number).
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I know what you’re thinking: our president’s physical brain is one thing, and not necessarily the most vital.
Thank god AI technology can now copy a cloud version of his intangibles too: the beautiful mind, the unerring gut and intuition, his “feel for what the people want”, the way that he—and he alone—can fix it.
It’ll be like the eternal flame above the tomb of the unknown soldier, only with the name emblazoned in BOLD FOOL’S GOLD BLOCK CAPITAL LETTERS above it.
Why give up greatness when we have it in our grasp to preserve it? Why say goodbye to our greatest president ever?
What a pity it would be if ours were the only generation blessed by the great man’s presence and omnipresence, his perfect omniscience, the endless wonder of living under the black magical reign of the best president ever. He who makes markets tumble and rise and then tumble again like no other. He who makes other countries grovel and beg for mercy while our own credibility turns to rubble. He who makes the world tremble, if not with fear then with loathing.
Just ask his quivering vassals in Beijing and Brussels, London and Tokyo, Ottawa and Mexico City, New Delhi and Canberra too etc. what they really think! The White House phones are ringing off the hook. What are the voices on the line saying?
Whatever it is, I know we can safely ignore it.
Let’s ensure that our children’s generation, and their children’s too, and so on and so on… enjoy the benefits of his matchless wisdom, which (as everyone knows) is directed exclusively to the endless betterment of our great and magnanimous nation. Let’s ensure that they can keep making America greater again and again forever and ever.
The rest of the world can go shove it.
Imagine. Stretching across the succession of receding horizons into the indefinite future, from mountain top to mountain top, across the vast continent and horizonless oceans, our fate will remain in the capable hands, the beautiful mind, the incontinent competence of the best of all possible presidents and the best president ever.
Our once, now, and forever future president will be able to keep making America greater and greater again and again and again forever and ever.
It’ll get so good, so terribly great, that nobody will be able to stand it. Which doesn’t really matter because we probably won’t be standing.